harmonium (glonk) wrote,

kang in the bastard

housewarming / kang in the bastard
pairing: mostly kang in-centric, but EVERYONE(of 13) shows up in this. hints at kangteuk, blohyuk, maybe kangkyung? oh and hee chul/shi won/jesus
rating/genre: crack!fic. r for cursing, kang in's porn collection and other suggestive things
notes: WOW. i really don't know what to say about this. i couldn't sleep so i wrote crack!fic about kang in's apartment and how everyone would probably drive him crazy because he moved out. it's safe to say that my brain has imploded and i'm sorry for any other brains that are broken in the reading process of this... whatever it is.

not betaed and i know things are spelled incorrectly because of lack of sleep, you can point them out to me though :[

kang in is so happy to move in to his new apartment, really. he's excited for it even though there is a pain in his heart that won't go away and he does call everyone to check on them when he comes home from drinking that night.

("at four in the fucking morning? what was the point of that, you dipshit? you were just blubbering about groping ee teuk's ass and lighting the town on fire," hee chul hisses his and smacks his arm, moving away before kang in has a chance to breathe or even tell hee chul that he would never grope ee teuk's ass but he knows he would only get raucous laughter and another blow to his ego.)

after the first night, though. everything runs smoothly enough. he goes by his schedules and gets about two hours of sleep with his naps combined. he doesn't have to worry about waking anyone up or any of those things that used to really make him feel bad or anyone stealing his boxers... the privacy of his own apartment is nice enough until about three days in when-

"FUCK EVERYONE IN THAT FUCKING HOUSE, I'M NOT GOING BACK," yeh sung yells at the top of his lungs once kang in lets him in, half of his face shaved and the other side of his face still lathered up with shaving cream of the green-ish variety. his jaw is lax but he doesn't say anything because he just can't seem to get a word in edgewise. "do you KNOW what it's like when everyone- EVERYONE eats all of your CEREAL and sits there and eats it while you come and LOOK FOR IT? and then they LAUGH AT YOU?" kang in goes back into the bathroom to continue shaving while yeh sung goes on for another fifteen minutes, almost nicking himself a few times whenever another loud obscenity is shouted.

"FUCK THEM... AND YOU KNOW WHAT KANG IN?" yeh sung's face is red as he chucks one of kang in's pillows across the room. "i'm tired of the nonsense and i'm staying here until i die," he decides rather dramatically and goes off to the refrigerator, yanking it open and pulling out a soju bottle which kang in grabs from him, then takes him by the back of his neck and starts off toward the door after putting his soju bottle back on the counter. "my toothpaste, my FUCKING toothpaste-" he screams before being pushed out the door, tilting his head up and gaping at the other man as he stands in his doorway.

"yah, you can't die in my apartment, it'd smell really fucking bad. i have to live here. oh, and another thing- don't TOUCH my beer," he shakes his head slowly(a quarter of his face still unshaved as he slams the door in yeh sung's face.

yeh sung is appalled and decides that kang in is a bastard, "a REAL FUCKING BASTARD," he shrilly screams and kicks the door, then hops away yelping like a kicked puppy.

it takes a few days before anyone else decides to bother him in his humble abode. sure, they call and ask him if he wants to come over every now and then- which he does... if someone is cooking or ee teuk is losing his mind- just things of that nature. he's in a deep slumber the next time someone knocks on the door, one with his head tilted back, mouth open and drool sliding down the side of his face as he snores loudly(and in a very manly way, he used to remind everyone who used to yell at him for sounding like a stuffed pig in the middle of the night). so deep of a sleep is he in that he doesn't notice the next fifty knocks on the door or the seven times his phone vibrates in his pocket.

it takes until the third kick and scream of, "KANG IN HYUNG, ARE YOU DEAD?" for him to finally open his eyes and look around as he ungracefully flips off of the couch and gets a face full of floor. he groans and slowly gets up, walking across the room and wiping drool off of the corner of his mouth as he unlocks and yanks the door open.

"wow, kang in hyung! your very own apartment! this must be so cool, i mean- WOW, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN KITCHEN AND EVERYTHING!" dong hae gasps as he waves his chocolate ice cream cone in the air triumphantly, then gets a chest full of hand.

"shove the ice cream cone down your throat or you can go back where you came from," kang in would have said if he wasn't in caveman mode which means every other word wasn't even really a word but dong hae has been very fluent in caveman ever since pouncing on kang in at least three hundred and twelve times since debut and he doesn't want to leave this amazinglycoolawesomeapartment so he tries his damnest to get the ice cream cone down his throat as it drips down over his cheeks and slides over his neck and into the fabric of his shirt. kang in probably would have found it much sexier if someone else was covered in ice cream but he was stuck with a gagging dong hae who, he predicted, was going to have the worst case of a brain freeze ever.

dong hae groans when kang in strips him of his t-shirt and puts one of his own over the younger man's lanky frame, helps wipe his hands hands and wipes off his mouth quickly, before shoving dong hae back outside and mumbling a, "don't tell teukie hyung," as he shuts the door to his apartment. dong hae groans all the way home and into ee teuk's arms to tell him of the abuse and how his brand new shirt had been demolished right before his eyes and how kang in hyung screamed at him and- and- and made him swallow a whole ice cream cone.

kang in gets a lecture on how to treat his members later that night but he isn't listening because he's too busy drooling(like a man) on his pillow.

ki bum decides to stop by two days later, but he's nice enough to call before he comes and kang in is thankful for that as he hands the other a beer, which he accepts graciously. they sit together in silence for a good thirty minutes while watching some girls on tv flop around in bikinis.

"it's nice here," ki bum mumbles during a commercial break and kang in nods.

"yeah, nice."


they go another hour without speaking before ki bum leans up and rubs his hands together.

"got any porn i can borrow?"

"oh, yeah. they're stacked up behind all those books over there."

when ki bum leaves, kang in really wishes that all of the members could be just like him until he realizes that his prized copy of "hot asses unlimited" has been taken from the hidden spot in his couch and tucked neatly under ki bum's shirt.

shin dong comes over the next day with a cake and a box of pizza to celebrate kang in's new bachelor pad but shin dong doesn't let him have any cake.

kang in doesn't tell shin dong where his porn is.

(not that he had time to anyway, he was too busy beating the younger man with a pizza box as he laughed his way out the door. once shin dong was outside, kang in grinned triumphantly.


when eun hyuk comes over, his head is lowered, hands clammy and wringing together. kang in lets him in with a sigh and a bowl of ramen in one hand. it takes a while for him to talk, eyes darting about nervously as he sits in the chair across from kang in.

"hey, hyung, did you leave because you hate us?"

"yes," kang in says without thinking before belching loudly and eun hyuk is quiet for another moment or so.

"um, i love you hyung and i don't want you to leave the band," he whispers quietly and he sounds like he's crying as ramen noodles slide out from kang in's mouth. "ev- even though everyone's saying you're mean now and you're a bastard and that you-- you-"

kang in really isn't cut out for all of this, but he puts down his bowl and pulls the younger man into his arms cradling him in a way that only kang in hyung knows how.

"i'm not going to leave, hyuk jae- it was a joke. you're so fucking gullible, i swear," he mumbles as the younger man wipes his nose on kang in's shirt and that's when kang in decides that he REALLY isn't cut out for any of this.

they end up playing video games on the floor and eun hyuk tells kang in what's really bothering him as he beats the elder in mario kart.

"tablo hyung, huh?"

"y- yeah," he sputters, letting kang in take control of the game as the blushes furiously.

"just tell him. it isn't that hard, you idiot," he grumbles as hyuk jae beats him for the sixteenth time.

(later that night, long after hyuk jae is gone, kang in decides to give tablo a call just because he's a hyung- not because he really cares about hyukkie... you know?)

hee chul decides to come over a week later, dragging along a pouty shi won who has protested all along with dramatic hand gestures because "kang in hyung has been mean to everyone who has come and now they are on his bad side," insert gestures, "and i would like to stay on his good side," more gestures. it all goes unheard as the older man raps his fist against the door and shi won thinks that now would be a good time to pray.

"KANG IN, YOU BASTARD, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE," he shrieks and shi won bows his head.

it takes another three minutes of yelling and screaming and kicking and spitting at the door for kang in to show up wearing only his boxers and a frown.

hee chul nearly throws up.

after watching hee chul rushing inside to use the bathroom, shi won bows deeply and kang in smacks him on the back of the head.

"you know me, you idiot, get up," he grumbles and goes to put on something less revealing. shi won remains in the same position for another moment as hee chul goes through kang in's medicine cabinet. they all end up in the living room area, where kang in ignores them both as he looks at the tv, moving his fingers back through damp hair. shi won sits up straight, as if he's meeting his father in law and remains wordless as hee chul tries to make his fingers collect dust on something in the apartment.

"aha," he finally gasps in horror as he gathers a thin gray layer of dust on top of the television set as kang in bores holes in to the back of his head. shi won shakes his head frantically, waving his hands around with wide eyes. "you are a pig, i knew it! yah, clean up, asshole. you have company." kang in loses interest in the tv/hee chul and realizes that shi won is much more entertaining to watch, so he does so until the younger man notices and bows again, receiving a blow from hee chul this time. "yah, you know him, idiot."

shi won thinks he's heard this before.

they only get thrown out after hee chul "accidentally" spills a glass of wine all over the carpet and shi won tries to edge in his welcoming gift under the door.

"just slide the east testament under there," hee chul grumbles as he takes out a marker to write obscenities on kang in's door.

han kyung comes by himself and brings a pot full of beijing fried rice with him as a welcoming gift. kang in finds it by his door after a long day of filming and smiles to himself. when he reads the note, he almost wants to cry. han kyung is always so good with words even if he doesn't know all of them.

kang in~~~

you made hyuk jae happy and we don't know how you did it, but we're thankful! everyone is calling you a basdart that has come to see you, so i figured i could cheer you up with a pot of my specialty! i didn't want to disturb you but we all miss you and love you very much- but not enough to make you have to come back. you need space too. ee teuk misses you too even if he's too much of a bull to admit it. this is still your home even if you don't live here.

work hard but not too hard and don't forget to eat and sleep!


kang in decides to go to his other home for a little while that night, just to visit and let everyone else have some of han kyung's specialty even though he tells them all he cooked it himself.

sung min, ryeo wook, kyu hyun and dong hae(again) all come together at once. kang in is in the middle of shaving again when this happens and when he opens the door, ryeo wook doesn't recognize him. the younger boy turns pale as a ghost and bows apologetically as he turns to walk off. "oh, my god- this is the wrong house- oh my god, i'm sorry!" he clasps one hand over his mouth as dong hae wraps his arms around kang in, getting shaving cream all over the top of his head.

"don't be stupid, it's kang in hyung!"

"why are you back," kang in starts, still with his razor in one hand and the other hand still holding on to the door knob. sung min ducks underneath his arm and kyu hyun follows along as ryeo wook flails, begging them not to go in to that poor man's house.

"wow, this place sucks. dong hae hyung said you have awesome shit in here and all you have is like... what we have but smaller and hee chul hyung said it needed to be cleaned," kyu hyun mumbles in distaste as sung min walks off to the fridge and raids it while mumbling in agreement.

kang in thinks of all the creative things he could do with the razor in his hand.

"yeah, where are all flashing lights and the tv that is 'as big as the ones in the theater'? dong hae, were you on drugs?" sung min sighs because he really could have used those extra two hours to sleep instead of riding in circles because of dong hae's instructions and hand drawn map.

"he had a head cold," kang in says sourly as he tries to pry the cling-wrapped dong hae away from himself. he gets a kiss on the cheek and a wide grin as dong hae jumps off of him, looking over his face.

"hey, hyung, you should have finished shaving before we came over here. you scared wookie," dong hae shakes his head and pats the older man's back and kang in tries not to put his creative ideas to good use.

"this tv sucks, you don't even have the porn channels," kyu hyun sighs from the couch and puts his sock covered feet up on the coffee table. sung min walks out of the kitchen with a bowl of kang in's favorite cereal, his cheeks puffed up as he shuffles over to the couch to sit with kyu hyun. dong hae runs over and jumps on them both and sung min squeals as the cereal gets knocked over into his lap and kang in's new couch. kyu hyun tells them both to shut up because he's trying to watch tv and sung min gives him a menacing glare as he pushes the bowl down hard on the top of kyu hyun's head, milk sliding down over his face as dong hae gawks at them both from his new spot on the floor.

"oh," ryeo wook chirps up as he finally lets himself in with a smile, patting kang in on the arm fondly. "thank you for letting us come!"

"i didn't let you come..."

ryeo wook's mouth forms an 'o' shape when he notices the murderous intent in the older man's eyes and flees the scene before he even has a chance to get a spoon wedged up his ass or was it a bowl? ryeo wook couldn't remember but he was certain it was kang in's voice he heard as he was running down the stairs.

when he hears a knock at the door this time, he's had it. he's really. fucking. had. it. kang in is so fucking tired of people bothering him while he's trying to eat or sleep or shower or jerk off to "hot asses unlimited"(yes, he stole it back from ki bum- the fucker) or have kang in time or whatever the fuck else he wanted to do because there are always PEOPLE swarming around him and he is going to fuck up whoever this is.

"GO HOME," he bellows as he swings the door open and ee teuk nearly drops everything in his hands as he falls back on his ass, eyes wide open and jaw dropped to the floor as he scurries back to the other side of the hall and the door slams shut again. he's left there in the hallway flabbergasted for about thirty seconds before kang in scrambles to unlock the door and opens it again, running over to help his hyung up who looks like he's going to pass out from shock, a medium sized tupperware container clenched in his hands as kang in ushers him inside of the apartment, locking the door behind them.

"shit, hyung, i'm sorry- i'm really sorry. i... they... is it just me or are they all getting more annoying by the day?" kang in whines as ee teuk straightens and blinks a few times, moving to sit at on a bar stool with his container as kang in follows along like a confused puppy. he sits and fixes his hair for a good moment before carefully opening up the container and sliding it over in the younger man's direction. "do they want me to die, do they? huh? i mean... i'm always doing something i need to be doing and they come in like fucking- oh, cheesecake," he finishes gently and takes the container from ee teuk, pulling out the neatly placed fork and napkin.

"they just miss you," he says simply, rubbing a hand over the younger male's back affectionately. "i miss you too, kang in-ah. i worry about you a lot," ee teuk says with a smile, watching as the younger man massages his temple with his free hand- looking like he does every morning.

"why didn't you come see me?"

"because everyone said this place was a mess and that you have porn everywhere and you have turned into godzilla with a foamy white beard," he made a slight face and then shook his head at the pout on kang in's confused features. "i just thought it would be best to let you get settled."

"i wanted you to come see me first," he mumbles before ee teuk leans in to lick whipped cream off of the corner of kang in's mouth and everything seemed like it would go uphill from there.


"kang in hyung, let us in! ee teuk stole half of our cheesecake!"

"no, you fucking idiot, you were supposed to say room service..."

"my bible gift is being used as someone else's door stop. i don't think jesus would approve of this," a voice sighs and a lot of movement could be heard outside of the door(not that anyone was listening or anything).

"hang on, everyone, i'll use my psycho-kinesis and we can make the cheesecake float under the door and into my stomach."

"your stomach?!"

"what the fuck is psycho-kinesis..." someone else gripes as they come down the hallway.

"i don't even know why i'm here with all you assholes standing in front of this bastard's door," another voice pouts and a chorus of "go away, yeh sung," is thrown back in to his face.

ee teuk giggles as he pulls kang in over to the bed and kang in thinks that he could get used to this.

"FUCK you guys," a voice bellows before a loud crack is heard and then about five shrilly screams of, "OH MY GOD, YOU'VE KILLED DONG HAE!"

yeah, kang in decides, he could definitely get used to this.
Tags: character: everyone ok, character: kang in, crack, kang in is a bastard, what is wrong with me
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